Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Parting is such sweet sorrow

Sweet little Liam man is just getting more adorable by the day.  It's freezing here in Central PA, and our house is no exception.  With heating oil at almost $4 a gallon, we can't afford to heat our house.  So we have space heaters running and the curtains pulled tight and blankets up over the door ways.  It's really no place to have an infant, but I don't know what else to do.  So we turn on the electric blanket and cuddle together and live in the bedroom mostly.  My husband feels bad enough about it as it is.  I feel we need to move, but that isn't happening at the moment.

So Liam and I cuddle up under the heated blanket and fall asleep every night.  I can't put him in his bassinet knowing that Andy and I have each other to cuddle with and he's in the little plastic box beside us.  We tried putting the snuggle nest between us, but he would crawl out of it and find me any way.  So we ditched the nest and now just cuddle as a family.  Some day he'll appreciate his mother.  I just know it.

And don't judge me for sleeping with my son.  I realize that there are horror stories about people rolling on their kids and blanket suffocation and whatever.  But it's the exception, not the rule.  We are always very certain his head is out from under the blankets.  I lay on my back with him in the crook of my arm or on my chest.  He's not going anywhere, I swear it.  I would never do ANYTHING to compromise the health or welfare of my son.

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I had 18 days off with Liam after he was born.  Roughly 3 weeks of work.  And I've been working ever since.  And I need to say that it's not getting any easier. 

My mom is a great care taker for him, and she does tummy time and reads to him and is a pro at all those things, and I know he's going to grow to be a fine little boy because she's spending so much one on one time with him.  She reading to him every day, and she's going to teach him to read and write, and 'rithmetic...all those things.  But by golly I miss my little boy during the day.  I want to be the one to teach him all that stuff.  I want to see all his firsts and I want to be the one who is the hero for him.

I have to take heart that he's not in day care.  And all his first moments will not be missed by someone who loves him.  And when I rush to disclose some fabulous thing that Liam has done, my mom just smiles and nods- because chances are she's seen it before from him.  I am the first one he sees when he wakes up and the last thing he sees before he goes to bed.  And it's MY arms he falls asleep in.

But.  That doesn't make it any easier.