Friday, September 27, 2013



This is how I feel I look on a regular basis.
In my small mind, my makeup is always perfectly applied, my hair looks highlighted and my breasts are voluptuous.  There's no under-arm fat for as far as the eyes can see, and having a double chin is laughable.  My eyebrows are perfectly arched and my teeth are as white as tiny Chiclets, straight out of the wrapper.  My eyelashes are long and flirtatious, and my lips are rosy and perfectly pouted.
In my small mind.
The truth is, this picture is a better indication of what my life is really all about:

My husband has been working, quite literally, around the clock to get the new store open and the old store closed.  Moving a million dollar retail store to a new venue is no small feat.  I'm so proud of him!
Does anyone else ever feel this way?  I go through this every day, and the guilt is just overwhelming.  I work from 8-4:30 every day, and on Monday and Wednesday nights I teach violin.  Because Liam is at the point where teaching and watching him are virtually impossible, my mom watches him a little extra on Wednesday nights.  On Tuesday and Thursday (and sometimes Fridays) I will go to the gym for 30 solid minutes after work.  Then I go get Liam, and we start our evenings together.
Except this week, I didn't go to the gym at all.  Tuesday night we were supposed to have friends over, which didn't pan out, and then Thursday (last night) I had so much to do at home before the sun went down that I ended up mowing the lawn with Liam in the Mobi. 
Last week I also had good intentions of getting to the gym, except on Tuesday night, Andy and I had an appointment at 7.  Thursday I was running around like crazy trying to get things together for the wedding.  And Friday was, of course, the rehearsal and whatever else.
Confession:  The week prior to that, I did go to the gym.  However, on Tuesday I came home, laid down in bed, set my alarm for 30 minutes, and promptly fell asleep.  When I awoke, I put on my gym clothing, messed up my hair, and went to pick up Liam.  I made little comments about, "Do I look skinny yet?"  And "I must be the only one there on Tuesday afternoons..." and on and on.  But I couldn't help it.  I was just so tired.
The way I look at it, people like fat, jovial, well rested people.  But NOBODY likes a skinny, snarky, sleepy person.  There are names for women like that.
Today I will go walking with a friend after work.  We're bringing our babies and walking around the park, so I'm looking forward to that.  Except last night, in a last minute load of laundry containing work clothing exclusively, I accidentally washed my husband's notebook in his pocket of his jeans.  You know, the notebook with all the notes about the big move?  Yeah, completely annihilated.  Not to mention, all this work clothing is BLACK and made out of this STUPID material. 
Can you even IMAGINE how upset he was with me?  Can you even CONCEIVE of how upset I was?  I rinsed everything again, amidst angry text messages from the bedroom three floors above, and hung it to dry.  At 11:45, I came upstairs to a crying baby.  Normally he awakens twice.  The second time he woke up, I brought him into bed with us and cuddled him.
Confession:  I could have put him back to sleep easily, right there in his crib.  He was still pretty groggy, and I think he just wanted his paci back.  But I just wanted to hold him and breathe in his little head.  In a few days, he'll no longer be a baby...he'll be a toddler.  There will soon be pull ups and big boy beds and training wheels.  Also, he loves me unconditionally.  Who wouldn't want to just hold on to that innocence?
Confession:  I may be the girl in that first picture, but it's all a hoax.  The boobs are courtesy of Victoria's Secret.  The makeup took me almost 30 minutes.  The eyelashes are glued on.  And there's no double chin because I was looking UP into the camera (and I could see myself while I was snapping.)
But that second picture?  That's ALL me :)  Love it or hate it, that's what you got.  :)