Wednesday, August 17, 2016

I want to be Fun again.

Today, I have an MS hangover.

This is the term I have coined for the day AFTER you have exhausted all your spoons and borrowed from the following day, meaning you start with negative spoons.  Picture blowing up a balloon, but instead of blowing to start, you suck it more flat.  That's an MS Hangover.

We were given tickets to the Red Sox/ Orioles game last night in Baltimore, and Andy was over the moon excited to attend.  Financially speaking, we just don't have the means to attend a MLB game.  A friend of ours enjoys baseball, but has nobody to go with so, generously, she bought THREE tickets for our family (read: Liam didn't have to sit on a lap) and one for herself.

Bad news was- it's the hottest week of the year so far on the Eastern Seaboard, and we were in Baltimore, MD.  Where we were sitting, there was no air.  No fans.  No warm breeze.  No breeze period.  We were all dying.  But Andy- MAN- Andy was still SO PSYCHED to be there.  I love watching him enjoy what he's doing.  Watching baseball is one of those things he just does because he loves it.  It's literally pure joy watching him.

So when I hadn't moved a muscle in my seat and my heart rate was 113...I took Liam and we sought out some air conditioning.  We made our way to the First Aid station, where they gave us each something cold to drink and they gave Liam a wet cloth for his face.  At that point I hadn't even realized how hot he was.  I was so worried about Andy having his good time and not worrying about me, and me being so freaking hot I could vomit, and trying to remain calm and breathe and... oh my word, my son was hotter than me.  The First Aid station figured I was here for him and were asking about his rosy cheeks and...oh my word, my son.  I have a son.

They escorted us kindly up the elevator to the employee lounge where I was able to lay down and cool off.  They gave me more gatorade, bless them, and allowed us to use a clean, cool, line-free bathroom, bless them double.  Liam laid in the crook of my legs and put his head on my butt and watched Netflix on my phone.  We were at peace in the lounge and it was a little moment for us.  Instead of thinking of my misery, I was listening to him giggle at the video on the phone.  I was focused on getting back into the game.

After a few innings, I was better.  The dizziness and nausea were suppressed for now.  Liam was antsy for pizza.  I bought him a $6 slice (which he dropped 3 times, but that's okay.  He assured me he brushed it off.)  We went back up again.  Andy looked like a wet noodle, as did our friend.  He took Liam to get cotton candy and lemonade.  At this point the game started to get rowdy because the score was tight, the bases were loaded, and everyone around us was DRUNK.  Liam asked to go back to "our couch."  So I took him out and we went Pokemon hunting and played on the playground. 

I saw no baseball game last night.  I know we were there, but basically our friend paid $39 so I could walk my child around, nap on an employee lounge couch, browse the gift shops, and look for little electronic men on my phone.  But man we had a great night.  Liam was so well behaved.  He listened and he obeyed.  He was polite and kind.  Andy was so good about just letting me do my own thing and enjoying the game on his own.  Our friend was SO sweet to take us.

I'm struggling with being "fun."  I want to be a fun person, but dang it I'm pregnant and it's hot out.  It's like running a marathon every day.  It really really is.  I know my husband makes comments about never going anywhere, and I know it bothers him.  But what am I supposed to do?  This is the choice we have made together.  Don't complain.  I'm trying not to.  I'm trying to start something new: not apologizing for myself.

A few days ago I was speaking about Liam, and I said, "I'll never apologize for him being three.  I get that sometimes he will act out, but I'm not going to apologize for that.  I'm teaching him and he's going to make mistakes.  Plus I know there are people out there with children who have needs that are different than Liam's, and they only WISH their child could act out or get in trouble.  I won't apologize for him."  It got me thinking, why do I always feel so sorry for MYSELF?  Why do I apologize for the way I am?  What kind of guilt trip is that?  Hey, it's hot, I'm pregnant, I'm going to find some AC.  The end.  Done.  No apologies.  You don't need to worry about me, because I'm not worried about me.

We teach people how to treat us.  If people see us as sickly, they're going to treat us as such.  What if we just acted like normal people with normal needs?  Hey, I'm tired.  I need to sit.  Because I'm human and when humans use their legs a lot, they need to rest.  Let's rest.  Let's not make this about me, let's make it about the issue.  I hope to start turning the tables in my marriage and in my other relationships.  I want people to worry about me less and live with me more.  I want to be Fun again.  I want to be the person people invited places because they enjoyed my company.  Where did THAT girl go?  Oh yeah, I'm still her.  No apologies.