Monday, April 23, 2012

The prospect of being a mom is terrifying

Last night I realized this. 

Perhaps it was because my mom had told us this situation at school where a little girl was being abused by her foster parents.  She packs her own lunch and she had wheat thins, a slice of cheese cut up into little bits, and a rotten banana.  They went to the cafeteria admin and then she went to the school nurse, and they're trying to get her help.  But this has just stuck with me all night, and now in the morning.  I just have this image in my mind of this little girl, who already thinks nobody wants her, cutting up a slice of cheese thinking it will make her more full if she just cuts it up...  my brain and heart and soul just ACHED all night long.  Today I'm still getting misty eyed.  I don't know her.  They're getting her help.  I just can't even speak of this without just bursting into sobs.  This poor little girl...

And I couldn't sleep last night.  Again.  Which is nothing new, per say, but I keep waking up out of a sound sleep.  Everyone says I'll be a great mom, but what if I'm not?  What if I struggle with depression and the inability to cope like my mother?  And her mother?  What if I have a nervous breakdown in front of my daughter and I start to pull out my hair in front of her?  And she has to call Andy, and then Andy has to take me to Philhaven because I can't cope?

I struggle with this constantly.  What if I get depressed?  What if I can't handle this?  What if I get post-partum depression and Andy can't help, and we're stuck?  These are the things I get anxious about...all because I can't handle the news about a little girl I can do nothing about.

Andy has promised me if I get to a point where I need help he will get me help.  So I already have support from the one who matters most to me.  But I just don't want to get there in the first place.  Lord willing, I won't.  But I'm becoming a realist.  Stuff happens, and sometimes it's awful, but we have to press on.  It's hormones.  It's not me.  I will survive...