Wednesday, August 13, 2014

365 Days Ago

On August 6th, I celebrated (observed? There was no cake, so it can't be a celebration...).  On August 6th, I observed the date I found out I had MS last year.

There was no fanfare.  I didn't make a heartfelt post on Facebook so everyone could "ooh" and "ahh" at me.  Tell me how strong I was- how BRAVE I was.  To tell the truth...I never post it on Facebook a year ago.  The thing with people is, they like a good story, they like a good morsel to talk about, but they're not long term.  Most aren't.

I did text a friend, however.  A friend who has just checked in with my and stood by me.  Brought me food.  Loved on me and my family, even while she was going through her own stuff.  Got muddy with me while we ran for MuckFest.  Held my hand as we crossed the finish line.

I text her: One year ago today, I was diagnosed.

She said: I bet 365 days ago you were wondering where you'd be in 365 days.

She was totally right.  I looked back at my blog post from last year- something I never do.  My marriage was crashing, and I mean CRASH-ING.  There were talks of who would stay and who would go.  My son was not sleeping (my son will still not sleep, but it's better.)  My leg, my mind, my soul was just...numb. 

I looked back at my blog 730 days ago.  I was pregnant.  I called the cops on a woman who left her dog in the car.  I wondered that day what wisdom I would impart on my son- what would I want him to see in that situation?

What if 1095 days ago, someone would've told me- you're going to decide to have a baby in a few months- it's going to be on the first try- it's going to be a boy- his name will be Liam.

What if 1460 days ago, someone would've told me- you're going to be in bankruptcy by the end of the year.  You will need to claim everything you own.  You're going to have to sell stuff and give stuff back.  It's going to be terribly difficult.

WHAT IF 1825 DAYS AGO someone would have sat down with me and my fiancĂ© and say- you know that sickness or in health part?  It's going to be a reality for you in many ways.  You know that richer or poorer stuff?  You're going to experience it in very tangible ways.  You know that in good times and bad stuff?  You will be able to write books about that topic.  And it will ALL HAPPEN in the next 5 years.  1825 days from now.

We drove past my high school a few days ago.  My mind did a little flashback sequence to a moment I had not remembered in many, many years.  In my minds eye, I saw a 14 year old version of myself sitting on the stairs, head in my hands, hair in curls, blue dress, white sweater, white sandals.  I think I was wearing tiny red roses in my hair.  It was a school concert, and I was supposed to meet my then boyfriend on the steps afterwards.  I waited 10 minutes.  I waited 15 minutes.  I waited 30 minutes.  A friend came out and gently told me- he wasn't coming.  He left with another girl.  It was over.  When you're 14... this is earth shattering.  Heck, when you're ANY age, this is earth shattering.  I went on to take him back time after time, and he was always unfaithful.  And then I met Andy, and then my life story really started to take shape.

But if someone would have gently told me, 15 years ago, 5475 days ago; This.  Is.  Not.  The.  End.  You will meet someone.  You will get married.  You will have a son.  You will rescue dogs from cars.  You will be diagnosed with MS.  You will experience heartache deeper than this and you will not be moved.  You will survive.  You.  Will.  THRIVE.

Would I have listened?  All those 365 days ago, would I have listened?  Honestly, I think I was listening.  It's that still small voice that whispers, "This too shall pass.  Cling to what you know.  Pray and have faith.  This is not the end."

See ya in another 365.