Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Who does that? Me, that's who.

This picture is a big deal.

I don't know why it's grainy...but it's a big deal.  Because that's Liam in his crib for the first time.

Can I tell you how hard last night was?  I'm still wiping away the tears.

8:00- Liam is asleep in his daddy's arms for about an hour. 

9:00- Playing a little, rocking, cuddling, etc.  Back to sleep for the Baby Bug.

10:00- Liam is asleep in my arms and has been for an hour.  I'm dozing off and we need to go to bed.  I put him down in the bassinet.

10:10- awake.  Give him his paci and he goes back to sleep.

10:20- awake.  Give him his paci.  He cries.  I let him cry.

10:30- still crying.  I pick him up and cuddle him.  Falls back asleep.  Put him in his bassinet again.

10:40- awake.  Crying.  Husband getting huffy.  I threaten to put him in his crib. 

10:50- awake.  Crying.  Husband fully huffed up.  Kicking.  Making himself stiff (Liam, not Andy).  This mommy has had enough. 

The crib has been used for storage purposes and essentially a huge cat bed.  So I stripped the mattress and put on a new sheet, laid him gently in, Andy brought the noise machine in and we turned it on.  We kissed the baby goodnight, put in his paci, closed the door.

I'm fairly sure I started crying first.  Liam was in shock I think, and it took him a while to cry.  but once he started, there was no stopping him.

11:30- SCREAMING.  I go verbally comfort him.  Liam literally jumps when I come in the room.  I don't think he was expecting to see me and I scared him.  Replace the paci.  Leave the room.

11:40- SCREAMING.  Daddy's turn.  I can tell he's getting angry.  It's been two hours of this.  Daddy verbally encourages him to go to sleep- more like tells him to stop crying.  Replaces the paci.  Leaves the room.

11:50- SCREAMING.  My turn again.  Andy's ready to quit.  I'm just wanting it all to end.  I'm wondering why we ever tried this.  Andy accuses me of doing it wrong.  I accuse Andy of not being supportive.  Andy inquires to what exactly he should do to support me.  I storm out the room.

12:00- SCREAMING.  Mommy's done.  I go in and rescue him.  Swoop him up in my arms.  He stops crying instantly.  Puts his head down.  Falls asleep.  I'm sobbing.  WHY did I do this to him?  All he wanted was me.  He is too sensitive for this.  I'm a terrible, terrible person.  I put him down in his crib and he starts to sniff.  I let him hold my hand, which he promptly pulls over his face (which he always does) and slowly the hands drift away and I take one step, two steps, three steps...door way...hall way...bed...

12:15- Crying.  But it's me, not the baby.  Liam is fast asleep.  Andy goes to the bathroom and looks in on him.  He's still asleep.  I am overwhelmed with these immense feelings of guilt and frustration at myself.  Why did I do something I was so adamantly against?  Why did I let others talk  me into this?  The feelings of misery put me to sleep.  Andy was still huffing over all the sleep he lost.  Thanks for the support.  Glad I was the bad guy. 

I only woke up once during the night.  I repressed any thoughts of going to check on Liam.  He was fine.  I was fine.

7:00- Liam is awake and in his crib laughing and cooing and being very happy.  I pick him up and squeeze him and he gives me big slobbery kisses.  I tell him he's a good boy and that I was proud of him for sleeping in his big boy bed.  The night is over.  It's time to start the day.

I cry the entire way to work.  I call my mom and continue to cry.  I sit down to my desk and cry some more.  In my heart I really feel like I did the wrong thing.  People tell me it will get easier.  What will?  Tuning out your child's screams?  I'm not looking forward to tonight.  I wonder if Liam isn't either.  Is a good night's rest really worth this anguish today?

More later.