Friday, May 17, 2013

When a Man loves a Woman.

Liam does this thing where he roots ALL his toys out of his toy box.  So now that he's mobile, for the most part, he sits there and pulls the box over on himself and just starts taking out every toy.  And then when there are no more toys in the box, he cries until I come and put them ALL back in again.  Then repeat.

There's so much to learn when you're a parent.  Most of it is trial and error, but that child never stops loving you because you're the provider of their basic needs.  Without you, their diapers won't get changed, their tummys won't be filled, and they'll be naked.  Their love is unconditional in that respect- and so in turn we should be learning from THEM.


Everything changes after a baby is born, and for men it's just as tough.  Even though they don't have any physical changes like we do, emotionally it's all different.  So much more is expected of them.  We live in a society that is so quick to express their feelings on equal rights and the liberation of the sexes, but when we find a woman pregnant there is a push to know who the father is.  It takes two to tango.  If the pregnancy is unplanned, we want to know if the father is going to "do the right thing" and stick around.  Entire companies base their earnings on finding out "who's the daddy."  It's obvious who mom is, but who is that masked man anyway?

When we got to the hospital, Andy looked in my eyes and said to me, "This is your night.  Whatever you need I will provide you.  You call the shots."  He's never said that to me before.  But looking back I realize it's because he had NO idea what to do and he was looking to me for guidance.  Even after the classes and the practicing and the reading, when the moment hit- he was clueless.

I think women realize this, and so they start to feel like the mother to the baby AND the husband.  For instance, I always used to pick out Andy's clothing on a Sunday morning.  I didn't think about it.  I just matched up the tie with the shirt and pants, and that was that.  Now on Sunday mornings I've got Liam and myself to dress, and I just want Andy to dress himself.  But that was always the ROUTINE before, and it was comfortable and he got used to it.  I have to make sure everyone is fed.  I have to make sure everyone has something clean to wear.  General things we took for granted before are now issues because they are breaking routine.  Men get a HUGE bad rep for this.  They wanted to know when and why things changed.  Routine- if you had one before, do what you can to find out which portions of it are important to your husband.  Fit them in- it's not going to kill you.

It's no secret that men are visual animals.  It's no secret that women love yoga pants.  It's no secret that men like sex.  It's no secret that women like to sleep.  If you have a husband who is very in tune with his sexual needs, this might be a point of contention ESPECIALLY because men are smart enough to know what just happened to your body.  If their mother's raised them to respect women, they will not speak of sex after you've birthed their child.  However it doesn't mean that they don't want it.  It may become that proverbial "white elephant" in the room as everyone is waiting for the perfect time to get back into the bed, so to speak.  Women may be thinking- how can you think of sex at a time like this?!  Do you see what I look like?  Do you know what I've just been through?  While then men are asking- how can you NOT think of sex at a time like this?  I just watched you do the most amazing, strong and powerful thing in the WORLD and I'm attracted to you!

Hear that?  Your husband is attracted to you after pregnancy.  You married him for a reason, remember?  He gets that your body is different now.  He doesn't want to hurt you.  Men- you've got a woman who feels desperately unattractive.  Her body has been through roughly a year of transformation.  There is not ONE THING on her body that has not changed- from her hair to her eyes to her bellybutton to her feet.  She looks in the mirror and she hates what she sees.  Be sensitive to this.  It's not going to go back to normal over night.  The sex will come.  Work at it.

And about that "normal" thing.  I want to reiterate that there is no such thing.  Quit looking back to get yourself "back" to normal.  Look ahead and make plans for the future.  You'll get back into your jeans, don't worry.  But everything will change, and you need to be okay with that.  No matter how strong your marriage is, there are going to be bumps.  If there are no bumps, check your husband's pulse, and while you're at it, check your own.


A baby's love is unconditional because they can't meet their own needs.  Take a lesson from this. Remember husbands are a gift to us to help meet the needs we can't meet on our own.  Model your love for your husband after your love your child has for you.  Give each other second chances.  Realize we're imperfect.  Practice kindness.  Give lots of kisses.  Remember your manners.  Never stop talking.