Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Dear Second Baby-

First of all, welcome to my womb!  Second of all- I'm sorry.

We are so excited to meet you and name you and love you.  I'm looking forward to watch you grow big in my belly and kick me.  I'm ESPECIALLY looking forward to your brother meeting you for the first time, and you knowing his tiny voice, because he's already talking to you non stop.  You're most likely the first thing you hear when you are jolted awake by his screams: HELLO BABY!  HELLO IN THERE!  I LOVE YOU BABY!  (He's not always this wound up.  Sometimes he sleeps too.)

Your daddy and I planned and prepared and prayed for you.  Your father is an amazing man.  He has this quality of being able to completely reinvent himself, literally pulling himself up from hit bootstraps every time.  He's afraid of very little, except losing those he loves.  He's a good man with a sound mind.  He sees what he likes in others and emulates it.  He sees what he detests in others and changes it in himself.  If you are a boy, find things you love about your daddy and make them your own.  If you're a girl, idolize your daddy and look for a man who loves you as much as your daddy loves you.  He only wants what's best for you, as do I.

But I'm sorry for so many things, and you're not even here yet.  I'm sorry you're being born into an imperfect world.  And as safe as we're going to try to keep you, there are mean people and dark corners to this world.  You will no doubt encounter them.  Things are actually retrogressing in the name of progress.  The system is faulty.  The world is in pain.  Remember God is in control.  He knows the beginning and the end.  Be afraid of nothing.

Baby, I'm sorry that you're being born to a mother with MS.  It's nobodies fault.  You'll find this out.  But it will be something you'll grow to know, maybe resent (I know I do.)  I promise you I'll do my best to be brave for you and your brother and your daddy.  Remember how much I want to be better than I am, but sometimes I just can't.  You learn what, "Mommy has nothing left to give today" means.  And you learn why daddy can play outside in the summer but mommy can't.  It's going to be okay, I promise.  I pray I teach you what hope and dignity means, and when you look at me you see someone beautiful and strong.

My tiny child, I apologize for even at 11 weeks pregnant, not knowing how I'm going to love you.  People tell me it's going to happen and that my love will be overflowing.  But right now I'm very sick.  The summer is very long and hot.  I'm very dizzy and nauseous.  You keep pounding in my belly, letting me know you're here!!  I felt you before they said I should, but I know it's you.  I know you're going to be feisty, and that's GREAT.  I promise to do my best to love you the best I can, just as I love you brother and your daddy.

Sweet little one, I realize that without any hurt or turmoil, you would become a stagnant human.  I realize that distress and trials are an integral part of the human experience.  It will shape your world view.  It will either make or break your faith.  Don't live for me.  Don't live for your daddy.  It is my prayer for you and your big brother that you will join hands and move forward in life and do amazing things.  Things I could never imagine doing.  I want you to find an amazing spouse and make amazing children and come home and make me proud.  Life is going to take you places- go.  Life is going to throw you curve balls- know when to catch and when to let them pass.  Choose joy.  Choose peace.  Choose kindness.

Welcome, my sweet baby.