This weekend we went to the Baltimore Aquarium:
This weekend we played outside:
This weekend we succeeded at making it though the weekend.
Marriage is so tricky. It shouldn't be that tricky- but unfortunately, we are all human. And when you get two humans joining their lives together for all time, you're going to have problems.
I chose to "stand by my man" this weekend, thanks, Tammy Wynette, and it was probably the single hardest point in our marriage...up to this point. But I think I did the right thing. There were threats to leave, threats to stay...that's all they were- threats.
I don't think you get married expecting, "Oh, this is going to be hell." I think you get married with the expectation things will be hard, but you're just going to work at it. And you stare at each other all doe-eyed and you're thinking, "Nothing bad will EVER happen to us! Love is all we need!"
I know people who had an apartment fire only a few months after they were married. All their wedding gifts were destroyed- it was a 100% loss. I look on their loss and wonder if I could have survived it. Because there are two types of arguments in a marriage- the outside argument and the inside argument.
The outside argument happens with something on the exterior happening, something you have no control over, and you are thrown into it almost clinging to each other. It may go something like, "Well, if this wouldn't have happened, we'd be fine."
The outside argument happens when one of you did (or didn't do) something, and someone throws the blame and someone takes the blame. It may go something like, "Well if YOU wouldn't have done (or not done) THAT, we'd be fine."
There is an art to taking responsibility for your actions. I am not well versed in this art. I will constantly take the blame just to resolve a situation. This weekend I got very angry at my husband and I grabbed our son and left the house. We walked to the park and I calmed down and then proceeded to apologize to my husband for my outburst. He would hear nothing of it. Even though he's left so many times I can't count, this was not an action I was allowed to take. So again I apologized and we got it worked out. In reality, he should have been apologizing to me. But because I didn't want to prolong the fight, I just swallowed it and on we went.
I'm not typing because I have answers. I'm typing because I have problems. And I hope as soon as possible I will be typing because I have answers. I talked to my husband about counseling- I told him I really thought we needed it. Okay, maybe that's not true. Maybe I presented it in the form of a question, thinking if he thought it was his idea, he'd be more apt to want to go. (Are you with me, girls?) Andy says, "Why, so your mother can come with us? She's the one who needs the counseling. Not us."
The problem here? He thinks we're having a #1 argument, when we're having a #2.
My job is to love him through it. Screaming rarely solves anything, but neither does pushing it under the rug. Real wisdom comes from knowing when to raise the flag, bare your neck, and walk away. Because love keeps no record of wrongs, you are forced to walk away and not bring it up again...until the next time. But in the meantime you're hoping there's not going to be another time- that somehow he internally solved his issues, never to be heard from again.
But in the meantime, I made it through the weekend. One weekend at a time.