Tomorrow is actually a pretty special day for me.
It marks the last time I got my period.
It sticks out in my mind, because every time you go to the doctor they want to know the date of your last "menstrual cycle." Ew. Why do they say it like that? Just say "period." Don't even be cutesy with "Aunt Flow." Just call it what it is.
Since I'm breast feeding, I don't get a period. It's a blessing and a curse, because I still get the symptoms, but with relatively no relief. Don't let anyone trick you into thinking this is birth control- it's not. And I guess I'm one of the people who are allergic to the material in condoms, because I got a yeast infection using them.
Liam will be three months this weekend, which means I'm allowed to go on birth control. They told me that the pill could dry up my milk, but they wanted to make sure my milk was established so this wouldn't happen.
I personally feel this is actually happening now. Without a pill. The truth is that I've gotten lazy with breast feeding. Because I feel it's not doing anything anymore. He used to feed before bed, and now he just lays there and stares at me while he's sucking, like waiting for the milk to come in. I try to pump at work and I get MAYBE an ounce or two. I talked to the lactating consultant and she said it was my pump. Like I have money for a new pump. To rent one would be $60 a month with a $50 start up fee. That's more than formula.
But the more uninterested Liam is in breast feeding, the more I die inside. It's like I failed at something. Something I had little to no control over. But I know that if I didn't supplement with formula, he would have gotten really really sick. So I go into my little room at work and try as I may, pump for 15 minutes, three times a day, willing myself to make enough milk to feed my son exclusively from the breast.
So we'll see where this takes us. Now that he's eating between 4-6 ounces at a single feeding, it seems like we're throwing money into formula every week. NOT that I mind buying food for my son!!! Please don't take it that way. But because why would you buy produce when you're growing a garden?
They say once a month always a mother. While people are chowing down on sauerkraut and broccoli cheese soup and mashed cauliflower, I'm sticking with bland stuff so it doesn't hurt Liam's sensitive stomach. Passing on the wine so it doesn't hurt Liam. Choking down the prenatals so it doesn't hurt Liam. It seriously never ends.
That's where I am right about now. Waiting for the moment where I just don't have any more milk to give him. I wanted to make it to six months, but I guess I'll be happy just making it to three. For now.