Am I doing it right?

I've come to a conclusion about parenting- it's all trial and error.  Every ounce of it.  You can read the books, watch all the shows, listen to all the advice, but until you try it for yourself?  It all means nothing. 

Take this bed time thing.  All my work on getting a quiet, warm room with the white noise machine at an appropriate decibel, with the correct ratio of blanket to baby and the cats safely at bay.  As I'm trying to put him down at the stroke of 8, so he develops a routine, I'm finding that I'm sitting there rocking him for no less than 1.5 hours.  Meanwhile I'm texting my husband (who comes home from work at 8:30) "I'm so sorry.  I'll get you supper soon!" It's too much, really.

Liam is most comfy with routine, as are most children.  They like to know what's coming next.  When people ask me what I'm doing to facilitate an easy bed time, I start it off with, "Well, THIS week, THIS is working for me..."  Because every night you try something different, just until it works.

Some things I've come away with while trying to get my little guy to sleep:

1) Watch them while they settle in.  I found Liam was clutching my arm, chest, neck, whatever he could wrap his little arms around.  When I put him in his crib, and I would pull my arms away, he would scream.  I tried slipping a blanket in place of my arm and sure enough he put it over his face and held it tightly and settled in.  I started watching him as he slept to see what was triggering his awakenings.  At one point I realized when his hands were cold and he was touching his face, he'd wake up.  That's how I knew we needed to start dressing him warmer.

2) Peace and quiet isn't always the best.  We found that Liam was a really light sleeper.  The slightest noise and he was up.  When we started using the white noise machine, we found that he was concentrating on the sound of the ocean and not every other little thing.  Turns out the one night we forgot to put it on and Andy and I woke up so exhausted!  Guess it worked for us too!  One of the things I hear from parents is that you don't want a light sleeper.  Well, guess what.  Kids want to know what's going on.  Everything is new.  Everything is exciting.  They're going to wake up.  So do your best to minimize extra noises, but try the white noise machine.  It works.

3) Crying it out isn't for everyone.  Turns out that Liam can wail for 2 hours straight.  If you've been reading my posts for the past month, you will know my hate/hate relationship with this method.  That being said.  LISTEN to your baby's cry and get to know their various tones and timbres.  When they start to cry, don't rush right in, but maybe give them 90 seconds to figure it out themselves.  If the crying escalates, then make your move.  But make sure it's for real and not just a short lived bad dream.

4) Go ahead.  Pick 'em up.  Here's something that is working for me.  The more I survey Liam, the more I see what a tactile child he is.  When I carry him, he wants to be cheek to cheek with me.  He cuddles to my chest and he feels my face.  His language of love at this point is physical touch- after all, he DID spend 39 weeks in my belly, where my hands were constantly on him.  So when I was going into his room and soothing him verbally and then leaving, it wasn't working.  Why?  Because I didn't meet his need at that moment.  I started picking him up right away and he was actually falling back to sleep instantly.  I began holding him tightly in a blanket and then laying him down again all tucked in and it was working.

5) There's always tomorrow night.  I could fill this entire blog with tips that worked for me once and then were void the next night, or even the night time Liam cried at bed time.  Currently, we've been skipping the rocking all together.  And we moved bed time to 9:30.  This way I can get Andy's supper and spend my time with him AND get Liam to sleep.  The night I gave up and just brought him down and turned off all the lights and let him fall asleep on my lap, he went down immediately and slept the night through.  Two nights in a row.

Are any of these tips 100% proven?  No.  Do I have a PhD behind my name?  No.  I can barely remember to write my married name and I'll be married 4 years this year.  I'm basically writing this to inform people that their OKAY.  You're not messing your kid up just because your bedtime routine doesn't currently line up with Sally Shmoe's down the street.  For goodness sakes, the other night Liam was freezing cold and crying and I cuddled him with us and we all slept. 

We get so tied up in doing it "right" that we put added pressure on our kids and our husbands and OURSELVES.  We fear the peer pressure that comes from talking with other moms and admitting we still rock our kids to sleep.  Are you kidding me?  Just release that!  Those other moms are not there when you're trying to get your kid to sleep.  They are not married to your husband.  They are not YOU.  So just do what it takes to raise your child with love and compassion.  LISTEN to them, and give yourself space to make mistakes.  It's all going to be okay.  Promise.

The end of an era.

Last week something happened, and I'm more sad than I actually thought I would be. I knew this day was coming but I didn't know I would react in this manner.

I pumped and got nothing. Like, my milk is all gone. I thought my pump wasn't working at first, but it was working fine.

I didn't cry immediately.  In fact, I tried again at lunch.  I took nine fenugreek.  I chugged my mother's milk tea.  I thought about Liam and looked at his pictures...anything to trigger a let down.  But there was nothing there.

And then I cried.

I thought maybe it was a fluke.  So I tried again and got 1/4 of an ounce in three pumpings combined.  Both boobs.  I came home and put my pump down and haven't picked it up since.  It needs washed.  The 1/4 oz of milk is still in the bottle.  It's been a week.  I need to do something with it.  I just wasn't expecting this.

My husband was comforting- you did the best you could!
My mom was just as comforting- honey it's fine.  You almost made it to 6 months!

Almost.  But not quite.

I've been around the block with this nursing thing.  I never really loved it, but I did it because it was right for Liam.  But I wanted to do what was best for him.

I was explaining this to one of my friends- you know, the friend with the boobs like two kegs?- and that night I came home to a porch full of her expressed milk.  An entire cooler bag just full of it.  Ounces and ounces of breast milk for Liam.  She wouldn't let me pay her.  She wouldn't let me do anything, except accept the gift.

You hear the phrase- it takes a village to raise a child.  And you smile when you hear it, thinking only of the times where someone might watch your child for date night.  Or perhaps making a meal for a family when everyone comes down with the simultaneous sinus infection.  You think of borrowed sugar to finish cupcakes or a car pool salvation on a day your car won't start.  You expect these things, and come to think of them as "All a part of being a mom!" 

And then 20 bags of expressed breast milk show up on your porch.  I explained to Liam that this was Grace's mommy's milk.  That Gracie was sharing with him.  But really, it was Grace's mommy sharing with ME.  So now my son gets the nutrients he needs for one more month, and I learn a lesson in humility and accepting a gift I can never repay.

5 Months!

Happy Five Months to Liam!

He continues to get more precious every day.  And every night.  My next hurdle is trying to get him to sleep through the night consistantly.  More on this later.

Zzzzz...

I'm writing this from my phone.
I'm currently rocking Sweet Liam to sleep.
I just want to reiterate how happy I am.
Last night he woke up, but putting him back to sleep was as easy as sticking the paci back in.
Happy does not mean well rested.
Happy does not mean perfect.
Happy means content in the knowledge that you're doing the best you can with what you're given.

I want to write my own guidelines for putting a baby to sleep Liam Style (like Gangam Style, only less sexy). But I'll wait until I'm not typing with only my thumb.

Excuse me if I cut this short. I'm busy watching my son sleep.

With Regrets...

Liam slept through the night last night.  No tears.  Not even a whimper.

I turned on the heater, and turned off the lights.  Turned on the white noise machine and the projector.  I came equipped with a four ounce bottle and a pacifier (and of course my phone- to give Andy the play-by-play of what was going on in the nursery).  Oh, and of course, Liam.

He was almost asleep when he was finished with the bottle.  Almost.  I covered him up and rocked him (satisfying my need to cuddle and coddle) and prayed over him and stroked his little baby head.  And then he was fast asleep.  I felt so...amazing.  Just sitting there by the light of the projector, rocking my tiny son.  I felt peace.

I tried to put him down once, and he screamed.  I lost a little hope.  And it was that shrill, "mommy don't leave" cry.  So I picked him up, rocked him again.  Less than three minutes, he was out again.

I put him down on his SIDE, propped up with a pillow behind him.  I left him lay on my hand for MAYBE 15 seconds, and then gently pulled it away. 

I stood outside the door and waited.  Silence.

I went downstairs and cleaned up my kitchen.  Silence.

I watched TV with Andy.  Silence.

I worked on knitting Liam this cute little owl hat.  Silence.

I enjoyed some time with my husband.  Silence.

This morning I woke up and peeked in to find this:

And then at 7:00 this morning, I hear little giggles and laughs coming from the nursery.  He had turn himself around in the crib so he was laying short-wise, with his legs through the rungs on the crib and was holding on to the side rungs.  He was kicking his feet and laughing and when I came in...well.  You can just imagine.  I picked him up and praised him for being such a big boy and sleeping again in his own bed.  He gave me huge kisses, sweet boy :)

---

I regret ever letting him cry it out.  I regret even MORE succumbing to the taunts of another mommy telling me that he was training me and I needed to be firmer with him.  You know what?  Shoulda punched her when I had the chance.  All along I was saying- this isn't right for us.  She just kept pushing until I was like, okay, we'll try it.

Let this be a lesson to you, young mommies.  Follow your heart and your gut.  They are both there for a reason.

We'll try it again tonight!

Liam says have a good day :)

Night Number Two

This post will be short.  I don't need to take my readers through every moment of our night last night. 

Andy put Liam down- asleep- at 8:30.  He woke up.  We did the "every ten minutes" thing until 10:30 when I finally rocked him to sleep.  He woke up.  I rocked him to sleep again.  He slept for the rest of the night.  Andy needed to wake up at 4:30 this morning.  He's already got a sinus infection.  It wasn't fair.

However, for the first time in about a month, I slept through the night SOLID.  No waking up.  Liam slept through the night IN his crib.  So maybe this is helping?  I'm giving it a week. 

I still feel like the meanest mommy in the world.

Who does that? Me, that's who.

This picture is a big deal.

I don't know why it's grainy...but it's a big deal.  Because that's Liam in his crib for the first time.

Can I tell you how hard last night was?  I'm still wiping away the tears.

8:00- Liam is asleep in his daddy's arms for about an hour. 

9:00- Playing a little, rocking, cuddling, etc.  Back to sleep for the Baby Bug.

10:00- Liam is asleep in my arms and has been for an hour.  I'm dozing off and we need to go to bed.  I put him down in the bassinet.

10:10- awake.  Give him his paci and he goes back to sleep.

10:20- awake.  Give him his paci.  He cries.  I let him cry.

10:30- still crying.  I pick him up and cuddle him.  Falls back asleep.  Put him in his bassinet again.

10:40- awake.  Crying.  Husband getting huffy.  I threaten to put him in his crib. 

10:50- awake.  Crying.  Husband fully huffed up.  Kicking.  Making himself stiff (Liam, not Andy).  This mommy has had enough. 

The crib has been used for storage purposes and essentially a huge cat bed.  So I stripped the mattress and put on a new sheet, laid him gently in, Andy brought the noise machine in and we turned it on.  We kissed the baby goodnight, put in his paci, closed the door.

I'm fairly sure I started crying first.  Liam was in shock I think, and it took him a while to cry.  but once he started, there was no stopping him.

11:30- SCREAMING.  I go verbally comfort him.  Liam literally jumps when I come in the room.  I don't think he was expecting to see me and I scared him.  Replace the paci.  Leave the room.

11:40- SCREAMING.  Daddy's turn.  I can tell he's getting angry.  It's been two hours of this.  Daddy verbally encourages him to go to sleep- more like tells him to stop crying.  Replaces the paci.  Leaves the room.

11:50- SCREAMING.  My turn again.  Andy's ready to quit.  I'm just wanting it all to end.  I'm wondering why we ever tried this.  Andy accuses me of doing it wrong.  I accuse Andy of not being supportive.  Andy inquires to what exactly he should do to support me.  I storm out the room.

12:00- SCREAMING.  Mommy's done.  I go in and rescue him.  Swoop him up in my arms.  He stops crying instantly.  Puts his head down.  Falls asleep.  I'm sobbing.  WHY did I do this to him?  All he wanted was me.  He is too sensitive for this.  I'm a terrible, terrible person.  I put him down in his crib and he starts to sniff.  I let him hold my hand, which he promptly pulls over his face (which he always does) and slowly the hands drift away and I take one step, two steps, three steps...door way...hall way...bed...

12:15- Crying.  But it's me, not the baby.  Liam is fast asleep.  Andy goes to the bathroom and looks in on him.  He's still asleep.  I am overwhelmed with these immense feelings of guilt and frustration at myself.  Why did I do something I was so adamantly against?  Why did I let others talk  me into this?  The feelings of misery put me to sleep.  Andy was still huffing over all the sleep he lost.  Thanks for the support.  Glad I was the bad guy. 

I only woke up once during the night.  I repressed any thoughts of going to check on Liam.  He was fine.  I was fine.

7:00- Liam is awake and in his crib laughing and cooing and being very happy.  I pick him up and squeeze him and he gives me big slobbery kisses.  I tell him he's a good boy and that I was proud of him for sleeping in his big boy bed.  The night is over.  It's time to start the day.

I cry the entire way to work.  I call my mom and continue to cry.  I sit down to my desk and cry some more.  In my heart I really feel like I did the wrong thing.  People tell me it will get easier.  What will?  Tuning out your child's screams?  I'm not looking forward to tonight.  I wonder if Liam isn't either.  Is a good night's rest really worth this anguish today?

More later.