Paranoia is taking over!

Recently, all I can think about is losing the baby.  I'm afraid to move.  I'm afraid to sneeze.  I'm afraid to exercise.  Every time I have a little discharge or a cramp or even a bad thought, it's like I rush to the bathroom to check if I'm bleeding.

NOTHING is wrong.  It's in my brain.

Then I open up my browser at work, only to find the headline that Bethenny Frankel just came out that she suffered a miscarriage.  It never occurs to me that she's over 40, and that she had complications with Brynn's delivery...only that huge M word, flashing on my screen.

Andy went to see the doctor yesterday, and the doctor mentioned to him (after referring to him as "the sharp shooter" and giving him a high five...) "Well, after 13 weeks you can get REALLY excited!"

???

Stop talking about it, already!

Women with PCOS, who are taking metformin through their pregnancy drop their miscarriage rate from 58% to 11%.  I just have all these images of fast forwarding nine months and having Lauren and Kari there with their bouncing babies, and I'm just avoiding them at all costs because I lost mine and we can't get it back together again.

Okay, Libbie.  Enough.

Last night I puked. For the second or third time since finding out. It was oddly reassuring, actually. I was concerned that I was nauseous, but I could've been MORE nauseous. So last night it just HIT me, and then just that fast I was fine. Almost like SB was going- "It's okay, mom! I'm here!"

My handsome husband is so amazing to me.  He still thinks I'm beautiful.  :)  He got me water last night as I was bent over the bowl.  Afterwards I laid in bed and prayed for our baby and prayed for my husband and for our little family.  I'm blessed beyond reason.

To pee or not to pee...

There's really no question here.  I've considered adult diapers as an option, because it takes SO MUCH EFFORT to get to our bathroom when you're on the sofa.  My bladder wakes me up in the morning, usually an irritating 15 or so minutes before my alarm is supposed to.  Good thing they don't keep track of how many times I go during the day at work!  At least, I hope they're not noticing...

Ugh.  Cutting this post short because I have to go...well...you know.

Week Six

Well.  I'm not hungry for anything except Cheez Whiz and white bread.  NO CRUSTS!  Oh Heaven help you if you leave the crusts on.  And make sure the cheese is spread EVENLY, all the way to the edges.

Last night I tried soup, which didn't go over so well.  And also, my body is refusing to even swallow my vitamin.  Now, granted, the things are horse pills.  But I'm a little nervous that the baby isn't getting the nutrition it needs.  Tonight I'll try mashed potatoes and gravy, with a side of Cheez Whiz sandwich.

Pregnancy dreams are officially the worst ever.  Last night I dreamed my sister died.  And it was one of those dreams where you were just SO SURE it was real.  I kept on screaming, "SHE WAS GOING TO BE AN AUNT!  SHE WAS GOING TO BE THE MOST EXCITED ONE!"  Even now as I type this, my breath is picking up speed because it was just so vivid.  When I woke up, I was GASPING for breath.  I was sobbing and shaking!  It was only 4:30am and I had two full hours of sleep left.  Thankfully I was able to go back to sleep rather quickly, and with a blank mind.

SB is the size of a lentil and looks like this:

Look at that!  I'm so crafty I make humans ;)

Start spreading the news, I'm pregnant today...

NYC was amazing and beautiful, and Alex and Alyssa were just gems the entire time.  But what was even better than that was how Andy and I connected while we were there.  He was "on" the whole time.  When my mind blanked, his mind worked.  When I lost my head, he was there to um...pick it up again?  No idea.  But it was wonderful.  It gave me faith that we CAN do this.

However.  On the way home we were both DEAD!!!  Because we were literally on our toes ALL DAY LONG!  On our way through security to get to the Statue of Liberty, Alyssa had to go through security first.  She looked SO TINY passing through the gate!  And when she was on the other side, she might as well have been 100 yards out of my grasp.  I found this sudden panic coming over me, like she was no longer holding my hand.  She could be taken at any time!  I walked up to the sensor and didn't give them time to wave me through.  I needed her hand again.  Are these mothering instincts?  Probably.

Andy bought me a body pillow and I'm in love with it.  We also got the first installments in my new maternity wardrobe.  Having a husband that works at Kohls DOES have its advantages.  Jeans, a dress, a few shirts...which I come home and promptly tried them on with a pillow in my stomach area.  I'm such a dork ;)

Last night I had a mild panic attack.  What if I'm not really pregnant?  My doctor doesn't run blood tests unless there is an indication something is the matter.  What if the tests were wrong?  What if they were defective?  Or it was a fluke?  So with Andy's gentle nudging, I bought another test and took it immediately.  Of course it was positive.  But it gave me a peace, so it was worth it.  I think my heart may have been pounding harder with that test than with the original test!

I'm praying that SB will be healthy and strong.  No birth defects.  No health problems.  Please, just everything be normal.  I pray that my body knows how to do everything correctly and I don't lose this little sweet pea in side of me.  I love it already and it's not even here yet!  I stopped taking my stomach medication because it's considered "Level C" and I didn't want to take any chances.  So.  I'll manage :)

In Dreams...

Okay, so.  Everything they say about weird pregnancy dreams?  TOTALLY true!  This week alone I lost Alyssa, was flipped in a pool, hung off of a moving Ferris Wheel, ran track with one of my youth from church, and last night someone drove their truck through my office wall.  Oh, and Andy says I've been talking in my sleep.

Last night I went to the gym for the first time, being especially careful to keep the heart rate down.  I'm so used to pushing and grunting and sweating...it was so easy last night!  And I'm down 3 lbs.  Yesterday I was standing in the shower realizing that in a few weeks I will no longer be able to see my feet.

This is what our baby looks like:

Isn't that crazy?  It's the size of a sweet pea.  I couldn't help but wonder, how might one take a picture like this? 

We're still focusing on who and when to tell.  I found some cute things to give as gifts to mark the occasion- you know, to the first time g-parents and my sis and his bro.  My mom wants to be called "Nana."  Cute, huh??

Tomorrow we're going to NYC, so I'm hoping I can find bathrooms throughout the city to facilitate my need to pee every time I stand up.  :)  Life is good :)

I think I failed my first pregnant day...

Last night, as I'm sitting at the Dunn's house, eating pizza at 9:30 PM, I announced to Andy, "Well, I'm pretty sure I failed my first known day of pregnancy."

I'm most sick around supper time, so I end up eating late.  Although, yesterday I HAD TO HAVE Velveeta cheese.  In the jar.  On white Sunbeam bread.  And because my Handsome Husband is the best, (and also because he KNOWS what's up) he stopped and bought me some.  And then called me to make sure the "Cheez-Whiz" in the jar was an acceptable sub for the "Velveeta" variety.  Oh, he's GOOD.

So that was supper.  Then popcorn.  Then pizza.  Oh, and I had a twizzlers.  Food groups?  Who needs 'em?

Our general feeling is that this all happened so much quicker than we were expecting.  Like, there was supposed to be more waiting and pondering.  More tearful mornings holding negative pregnancy tests.  Trips to specialists.  Our biggest topic of conversation is who to tell and when to tell them.  Probably there will be a trip to RI in our near future.

I wore my skinny jeans today- the 14s I FINALLY was able to fit into after a year of dragging myself to the gym.  I know for a fact I'm concerned about gaining back all that weight.  But the reason I was losing was to get to this point.  So it's all good, right?  Right.

And in parting: The Proof

And then...just like that...

I gave up and called the doctor yesterday.  I was too sore in the breastical area, and I was having discharge like crazy.  (That's right folks, I promised you bodily fluids and here they are!)  And then I started Googling- which is a huge no-no for me.  I'm a closet hypochondriac.  I got it from my grandmother.

So I called the doctor.  And the nurse said, "You know...you should test one more time."

And I said, "But I've already tested twice and the last time was only on the 2nd."

And she said, "Test one more time."

So I finished out my day and ran home and told Andy who of course said, "TEST RIGHT NOW!"

No.  Not testing like a crazy person.  Those things cost money.

So we went shopping and when we came home he said, "TEST RIGHT NOW!" 

But I couldn't, because I was too busy being extremely sick.  (#2, for those who are keeping score.)

So this morning I tested.  And as an aside- I think the difficulty of getting into the actual pack of birth control tests is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL to how badly you have to pee.  And I was so nervous, of course I dropped the box.  And it went UNDER the vanity.  And then I couldn't find the scissors.  And then my hands were shaking so getting the actual packet open was ALSO difficult.  But eventually I was able to get my act together.

And then it was positive.

And then I screamed, "THIS IS IT!  OH ANDY THIS IS IT!"  And a very groggy, (albeit still Handsome) husband walked in the door and we just STARED at the test.  It's a plus sign all right.  And the longer it sat, the darker it got.  And then we hugged forever and I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

That's my story.  I called in late to work and drove (only a small amount over the speed limit) to my mother's house where she must have heard the car door and ran down the stairs to where I was holding both the tests I had taken earlier.  (Two is twice as nice as one, right?)  And as you can imagine there was much crying and laughing and squealing.

My.  No.  OUR first appointment is March 9th.  I will be using Woodward and Associates and we'll be giving birth at Harrisburg Hospital.  God is good.  I know this is right, because we beat some major odds to get to this point in our lives, and on so many levels I should not be at this place that I am right now.

Someday Baby is the size of a sweet pea, but it's going to be twice as big next week.  We won't tell anyone until we hear the heartbeat and get some pics of the little SB, and then the real fun will start.  So if you're reading this, and we've actually met, please be discrete.  You only get one shot at your first pregnancy :)