Mother's Day #1

So it turns out you're allowed to celebrate Mother's Day even if the baby is in your stomach!  Apparently there are many "mother-to-be" Mother's Day cards, and I received a few!  Andy gave me the most precious one- it read about how amazed he was at me, and what a great mom I'm going to be.  And then handwritten- "I'm so excited to be a dad!"  My heart just melted at the thought and the sentiment behind it all.  He also gave me the Pandora baby carriage charm!  I loved it :)

Dad and I planted all day on Saturday, and he told me THAT was my Mother's Day gift.  But it was worth it because now the flowerbeds look amazing! 

Today is 19 weeks.  My family came over, had literally seen me about 4 hours earlier, and proclaimed, "WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!"  I wasn't wearing maternity clothing, so I guess I WAS a little more bulbous than normal.  Plus I get exceedingly more pregnant at night.

I don't take anything for granted any more.  Not a kick, not a stretch, not one flake of skin from my poor belly.  It all matters and it's all important to me.  Last night at violin lessons, SB was having a fabulous time flitting and floating and kicking it's momma!  It LOVES music!  I guess the violins are at the right timbre that it cuts through the fluid!


When I showed this pic to Andy, I said, "No wonder it kicks me so much.  It's squished!"

Next Friday we know son or daughter...deep breaths.

Day late, but still holding on to my dollar!

The baby had it's first trip to the beach in utero last weekend!  I thought maybe getting away would help me to relax and sleep and spend some QT with the Handsome Husband.  I packed a bunch of cute clothing, including a little black dress I was looking forward to wearing.  But alas, it was too cold, and I wore almost none of it.  And what I did wear was covered up by jackets and sweatshirts.  BUT we still had a great time, and came home refreshed and rejuvenated...and not wanting to go to work.  Every time we're in Stone Harbor, we try to think of all the reasons we should go home, and except for the "seeing family" part, we never come up with anything convincing.  There's places to work at the beach, right?  I'm sure I can find another job where I'm degraded and chastised.  And there's got to be a Kohl's somewhere Andy could transfer to!

We've started to talk to SB.  I'm excited to tell him or her their real name, so they recognize it upon arrival.  I usually start out with, "Hi baby, this is mommy!"  And then impart all my earthly wisdom on the unsuspecting fetus.  No, not really.  I tell the baby I love it, and that I'm excited to meet it.  Recently Andy has jumped on this baby train and is now starting to chat with SB as well.  I told him he needed to introduce himself before speaking (that's my new rule, evidently) and so of course he starts making Darth Vader noises and says, "Babyyyy...I am your faaaather..."

But in all seriousness I think I recognized a moment, the first time he said, "This is your daddy talking, baby!  I love you."  (Look at me tearing up as a type...)  It just got SO real when those words hit the air.  This is your daddy talking.  And I love you.  I feel like maybe SB just stopped and went, "*sigh* My daddy loves me."

Last night we were at the Mutterspaugh's, and little Kaden was left alone in the living room, and he got lonely and cried, so Andy went in and picked him up, like it was old hat.  It was so crazy to see him in that capacity!  I was proud of him.  He and Brian were sitting on the love seat (like the bromance they really have) and the kids were on their laps and it was like...hey, this is life.  I think I like it...

Oh, and we won't have to mention how Kaden attacked my breasts...Amanda said, "Oh no Kado!  They don't work yet!"  :)  LOL!

Yesterday was week 18, officially, and the baby is moving and kicking and just being jolly in there.  We're continuing to work on bone growth, which will supposedly make the baby grow INCHES in the next few weeks.  I wonder if it will be just as active then?

17 weeks...17 weeks...

Turning 17 weeks is a lot like turning 17 years old.  It's not like 16 where you get to drive, but it's not 18 where you're an "adult" (or in my case, starting my fifth month.)  But I'm thankful for every day- every week- every month.

My hormones have been just absolutely insane.  Yesterday I had a headache to beat the band.  I threw up a little, which lead me to believe it was in face a migraine.  And NOTHING suited me.  My Handsome, AMAZING, Husband made me supper, of which I ate half and then promptly brought it up again.  I forced myself to iron, and then laid back down again.  Just blinking back tears all day...

I need to sleep.  I really need to sleep through the night.  I bought new makeup and the lady suggested I purchase under-eye concealer.  Nice.

Today I'm a crying fool.  I'm thankful I work pretty much by myself because I can go through my breakdown stages quietly and behind closed doors, mostly.  What sets me off?  Um, nothing short of everything.  My husband talking to the baby.  My husband mentioning being a daddy.  The thought of losing my husband (in some violent way my brain concocts for no reason whatsoever).  Commercials.  TV shows.  News reports.  Taking showers...nobody can hear to cry in the shower!  It's like my safe haven...  and mind you, I'm not SAD.  I'm just...hormonal.

So at 17 weeks, I have a really active SB!  I feel it mostly every day around the same time, and then again at night (if I'm awake).  It flutters and pops me every now and again.  It normally moves on the right side, but I felt it on the left last night briefly.  Maybe a foot?  Who knows!

Also the countdown begins today, on the first day of May, for May 25th---when we'll find out if "it's" a son or a daughter.  OUR son or daughter :)

16 weeks? What happened to 15??

Look at that?!  Here we are at 16 weeks!  I'm feeling stronger, and I'm feeling more energy...maybe.  I don't know.  Compared to what?  How can you NOT feel more energy when you're eating finally and not throwing up as a hobby?

Last night I was on my feet ironing for two hours and I was really crampy in the legs, but I went to bed, and then I was fine.  Going to bed really does solve most things in pregnancy, I am learning.

My belly is pushing on out!  Depending on what I wear, it looks bigger or smaller than it actually is.  Sometimes I wonder what people at the gym think!  Because I'm lifting and I'm walking and climbing.  I know on the trail when we're hiking, people look at me like...???  I should have a shirt- "Not Fat.  Just Pregnant."  Kickboxing on Thursday night should be fun.  We'll see how long I go before I fall over :)

The other night we heard an organ concert at Hershey Theatre...I'm pretty sure the baby could feel it.  Also, I've been playing my guitar, which sits right over the baby.  So it's going to be a musician...but what else could it be?

Oh, and today Lauren found out she's having a girl :)  How lovely :)

The prospect of being a mom is terrifying

Last night I realized this. 

Perhaps it was because my mom had told us this situation at school where a little girl was being abused by her foster parents.  She packs her own lunch and she had wheat thins, a slice of cheese cut up into little bits, and a rotten banana.  They went to the cafeteria admin and then she went to the school nurse, and they're trying to get her help.  But this has just stuck with me all night, and now in the morning.  I just have this image in my mind of this little girl, who already thinks nobody wants her, cutting up a slice of cheese thinking it will make her more full if she just cuts it up...  my brain and heart and soul just ACHED all night long.  Today I'm still getting misty eyed.  I don't know her.  They're getting her help.  I just can't even speak of this without just bursting into sobs.  This poor little girl...

And I couldn't sleep last night.  Again.  Which is nothing new, per say, but I keep waking up out of a sound sleep.  Everyone says I'll be a great mom, but what if I'm not?  What if I struggle with depression and the inability to cope like my mother?  And her mother?  What if I have a nervous breakdown in front of my daughter and I start to pull out my hair in front of her?  And she has to call Andy, and then Andy has to take me to Philhaven because I can't cope?

I struggle with this constantly.  What if I get depressed?  What if I can't handle this?  What if I get post-partum depression and Andy can't help, and we're stuck?  These are the things I get anxious about...all because I can't handle the news about a little girl I can do nothing about.

Andy has promised me if I get to a point where I need help he will get me help.  So I already have support from the one who matters most to me.  But I just don't want to get there in the first place.  Lord willing, I won't.  But I'm becoming a realist.  Stuff happens, and sometimes it's awful, but we have to press on.  It's hormones.  It's not me.  I will survive...

Watch out for that belly!!!!

The Handsome Husband has been really honing in on his new daddy skills, even though I'm not certain he really understands the concept of "it's like running a marathon EVERY DAY."  And how, when he comes home and sits and watches TV for a few hours, the work just doesn't magically get done.  He thinks I'm nagging.  I think he's not cutting me enough slack...this could go on for years.

But in the meantime, he's become like a force-field around my baby bump.  So incredibly protective of this little mass of flesh that surrounds SB.  Last night some hooligans were riding their bikes and scooters on our end of the street, and I saw them there and thought I'd give them their space.  But the one little one cut me off at the car.  He was like, "WOAH!"  and Andy goes, "HEY!  WATCH IT!"

When we were "safely" in the car, I was like, "Andy, why did you yell?!"  He said, "Because I didn't need him knocking into your belly!"

And it was sweet.  :)

Today is my next prenatal appointment.  My mom was originally supposed to accompany me there, and she still is, but Andy was able to switch his schedule and can now come too!  So they're both happy to hear the baby's heart beat.  I wish I could see the baby again.  Just to check on it.  See if it's sucking it's thumb.  Tell it to stop, because we certainly cannot afford braces.

Yesterday I was CERTAIN I felt SB move.  I had felt it the day before, and didn't say anything, so people couldn't tell me what I did or didn't feel.  But I was laying in my car at lunch time, and it was like a kernel of popcorn popped in my stomach, and just that quickly it was done.  I texted Jodie and Amanda, and they confirmed that yes, that was an accurate description of a little nudge.

However, the nausea and gagging has come back.  The inability to eat anything and the waning hunger has left me another pound lower on the scale.  This is a grand total of 9 lbs lost since getting pregnant.  We'll see what the doctor's scale says today, but Andy said I should mention it.  I AM working out fairly regularly, but I'm just not hungry.

I want to meet SB, and I want to know if it's a boy or a girl.  I'm NOT wishing this pregnancy away, because I realize that once SB is here, it's all down hill.  If I'm not sleeping NOW, it's not going to get BETTER.  But at least I'll have something to show for it!

Just how pregnant do you want to be?

I get offended when people call my bump "little"...even though I know it's small.  But it's like my project down there, and I feel like it's mine, and a continuation of me.  So a "little bump" is like making fun of my baby and me!  "What?!  We're not BIG enough for you yet?  We're doing our best here!"

It's better when people say, "Boy, you are really carrying your pregnancy well!"  Now THAT'S a compliment!  That demands a response more like, "Well, thank you!  I knew we'd be good at this!"

But there are times where I'm getting dressed in the morning and I'm thinking- wait, just house pregnant should I look today?  Like last Sunday for church- I REALLY wanted to look pregnant, because probably deep down I wanted people to make a big deal over it.  That required me to fly through four outfits (skirts vs. dresses) to get JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT of baby bump.  Without looking just "fat" of course.

Last night at my sister's concert I wanted to let it all hang out, but I felt like the broad side of a barn, so I wanted to tone down how awful I was feeling, but yet be presentable.  Oh, and it's no less than 450 degrees at her school, so it had to be cool too.  Again, a dress won out- in fact, it was the same one from Sunday.

A little trick is, if you wear a NON pregnancy shirt, it often enhances said bump.  Just saying.

However, I am NOT a fan of maternity pants.  I feel like a grandpa with my pants pulled up under my boobs!  They are uncomfortable, and sometimes I feel like my food isn't going down because the elastic is right at my esophagus.  I think this is mental as well, because I worked so hard to get my hiney into those size 14 jeans, and I was THERE before all this happened.  So the skinny jeans went back on the shelf, and the fat jeans were too big every where else to justify wearing.

The shirts though, I may hold on to a few of those...but that's another post.