When you're pregnant, you're allowed to cry whenever you want. It's like, your right as a preggo to just open the water works whenever you feel like it. Andy says I could qualify for an Oscar with some of the performances I have casted- these pregnant monologues that I script. I've been known to fall on the floor, fall dramatically into Andy's arms, or stare off into distant space, willing myself to stop the madness before it starts.
But yesterday was different...
My inlaws are down, and certain members of that party have a way of making the pregnancy all about HER. Ahem. I think she's just overly excited, and while I too am excited, I'm not excited to the extent that she is. She's belittled my feelings of anxiety, stating that, "Oh, you're always going to be worried about the baby." It's no big deal, right?
I guess the conversation that made the most impact on my meltdown yesterday, was the conversation she had on the phone with Andy a few nights before they came. We are getting rid of the guest bedroom to make room for the nursery, which means that they won't have a place to sleep at our house when they get here. We have already talked it over with my mom and dad, and they said that his parents are more than welcome to stay with them.
This isn't good enough for the MIL, evidently. And as Andy held the phone on speaker for me to hear, the conversation went like this:
"You know, I'm being selfish, but I want to stay with my baby. I don't want to stay with the Brinsers. I want to feed my baby and take care of my baby and be there every waking second for my baby. I don't want to just come visit. I'm read to move to PA as soon as we can. We were thinking about buying you a sleeper sofa. Your living room is big enough for it. And we'll sleep there, and then just put the bed back together when we're awake in the morning."
And immediately my pulse started to race. My eyes started to bug out. My heart started to race. HER BABY???!!! Oh no it's not. It is NOT your baby. It is your grandchild. Grandchild means spoil them and then GO HOME.
Part two:
"When you guys go into labor, we want you to call us, any time. Day or night. And we're going to just start driving. We'll hopefully get to your house in time to see our new grandchild."
And my brain starts going...wait, they're going to be HERE when we bring the baby HOME? Oh that is not even CLOSE to what is going to happen.
Because see, in my brain, we're going to bring our baby home to this quiet home and we're going to take it up to its nursery, and show it everything we've prepared for it. And we're going to sit on our bed and just take in this miracle that God has helped us to create, and it's going to be quiet and magical. And we're going to change the first diaper together. And we're going to get up together when it cries at night, and it's going to be US and our tiny, new FAMILY. We're never going to get that moment back. We're never going to relive our first night in our first house with our first baby.
I suddenly got all these images of my MIL coming in and primping everything and prying hands reaching for the baby before mine can even get there. And breast feeding tips. And "are you doing that rights" and her cleaning my house and her getting in my business...and I...just...freaked.
I called my mom and I cried and cried. "She's going to take my baby! She's going to tell me how to do stuff! She's going to ruin our first magical night! I like to do things by myself! I like to try things and if I need help then I ask! She doesn't know me!" And my mom in all her wisdom...just listened.
And so today, after a night of MISERABLE sleep, I feel a little better. I think. Today is week 15. They will leave tomorrow. In five weeks we find out what our baby is. They won't be back until the summer. The baby is still in me, and it's all mine for now. All is well.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I love my belly :)
So my EXTREMELY handsome husband, is INCREDIBLY into this pregnancy, and I LOVE it! He gets these little ambushes and he'll just kiss and hug my stomach and talk to the baby. I really feel like the baby can hear the vibration, and hear my giggles and my heart beating faster, and it knows it's daddy is near.
I look forward to Saturday mornings where we can just be together, because these are the most precious times to me. I know I could be doing a million other things- cleaning, organizing, whatever- but in my heart, I know I should just lay there until Andy wakes up. So I do. I know these mornings are a precious commodity, one that will be gone once there are midnight feedings and a little toddler excited to get up and play with mommy and daddy. And I think I'm going to love those mornings too! Just not like I love the ones that we're sharing now. What a precious, precious gift.
They tell me I'm "nesting." I was sure that came later in the pregnancy, but I guess it can rear its ugly head at any point! I just want everything clean. Right now. My sister helped me to clean out my cupboards and rearrange everything, which I don't know why that matters to the baby (but it does!). In my heart, I really want to get that crib set up and the rocking chair in its place, and the little swing in the corner...the walls painted, etc.
Unfortunately.
We're going to have visitors up until the point where the baby is actually born. And they're going to need a place to sleep.
Unfortunately.
I look forward to Saturday mornings where we can just be together, because these are the most precious times to me. I know I could be doing a million other things- cleaning, organizing, whatever- but in my heart, I know I should just lay there until Andy wakes up. So I do. I know these mornings are a precious commodity, one that will be gone once there are midnight feedings and a little toddler excited to get up and play with mommy and daddy. And I think I'm going to love those mornings too! Just not like I love the ones that we're sharing now. What a precious, precious gift.
They tell me I'm "nesting." I was sure that came later in the pregnancy, but I guess it can rear its ugly head at any point! I just want everything clean. Right now. My sister helped me to clean out my cupboards and rearrange everything, which I don't know why that matters to the baby (but it does!). In my heart, I really want to get that crib set up and the rocking chair in its place, and the little swing in the corner...the walls painted, etc.
Unfortunately.
We're going to have visitors up until the point where the baby is actually born. And they're going to need a place to sleep.
Unfortunately.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
14 Weeks and still going strong!
No more puking. Very little nausea. Thank you second trimester for being like the books say you will be! Hoping the "more energy" part will start soon. My behind is dragging.
We hiked for the first time on Saturday, and my body has been screaming at me ever since. I'm not sore, mind you. Not even a little crampy. Just. So. Tired.
Here's what SB might look like! (I don't want to know how they got this picture, it is certainly not my baby, but it's really interesting)
We hiked for the first time on Saturday, and my body has been screaming at me ever since. I'm not sore, mind you. Not even a little crampy. Just. So. Tired.
Here's what SB might look like! (I don't want to know how they got this picture, it is certainly not my baby, but it's really interesting)
I'm told the baby can really function now! And grimace and suck its thumb. I imagine SB is grimacing because it wants to meet its awesome mommy and daddy! ;) It's like- enough of this swimming. Time to play!
I'm reminded of a song my mom sang to me growing up:
He's still working on me
To make me what I ought to be
It took him just a week to make the moon and the stars
The sun and the moon and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be!
'Cause He's still working on me.
AND now I'm crying. I used to be scared, but now I'm not. Because I've owned that God makes everything beautiful in His time. Allow me to be on HIS time schedule and not my own.
Happy 14 weeks, SB. Mommy Loves You.
Monday, April 9, 2012
An Easter Breakdown
Oh, listen to how stupid this is. But even in my head today, I'm still really angry! I can't let it go! Geez, Louise.
On Sat. we went hiking, which was GREAT, but left me so tired, I could barely MOVE. Not even lying. So Sat. night we were supposed to go practice AND paint eggs with my family. I had boiled my eggs, and Andy bought me this special "14K Gold" egg dye. He was really proud of it, you know, that he thought of me and all. But Saturday night came, and after we were done with rehearsing (did I mention we learned all the songs for Easter THE NIGHT BEFORE?!) it was almost 10, and I had nothing left. I knew I had to iron Andy's shirt and get things ready at our house, and I said, "Listen, family. I'm really really really tired. I will not enjoy painting eggs today, and I can tell daddy is tired as well. We all have to get up in time for church at 7am, so can we wait until tomorrow to paint eggs?" And my sister threw a fit and "collapsed" into Tarans arms, and he was like, "shhh, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about her..." She's like, "I HAVE TO WORK ON EASTER! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!" blah blah blah.
So I left upset.
Sunday morning, I got 5.5 hours of sleep, and I was a cranky miserable mess all morning. My mom was like, "Oh, I was so disappointed with all that happened last night." Um, get over it. I had two services and I had to teach a class. We came home and collapsed. I didn't take anything off- hair, jewelry, makeup, I just collapsed. I woke up an hour later and started to cook. I left Andy sleep. Started to make the Kielbasa, and he came down (not upset, just disappointed) "You got the wrong thing." Ugh. So he was like, pouting. Fine, whatever. In the meantime, I managed to melt my cutting board with the lid of my dutch oven. We started arguing, I started feeling it come on. SO we distanced ourselves from each other, and we were fine til we got to mom and dads.
And then we got in the door.
April's friend Andrew was over (he's a house pest. He was over on Christmas morning too.) and he and my mom were painting eggs with MY EGGS AND DYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I lost it. All over the place. April came home, SHE lost it. Not as much as me. But Andrew just comes over whenever he feels like it (even when they're not at home. He'll just come in and sit. And mom refuses to tell him this is wrong.) Oh, and then she went to get Taran. Which set Andy off. And then we went to get my nanny, and she refused to come over. And so Andy just took me for a drive and we drove around. Mom was like, "What's wrong?" And I wouldn't look at her, and I didn't want to make a scene, and I was like, "Andy bought that egg dye especially for me. And we don't do anything as a family anymore and I'm angry and hormonal, and I just want to be left ALONE!" And THEN she wouldn't speak to me. She said that Andrew had been there for five hours, and she was running out of things to do with him. Um, so you used my stuff? That I asked really if we could please wait?
And THAT was the breakdown. We left at 9, and I was in bed by 10. Still shaking. I apologized to my husband, who was my rock. What a huge mess.
On Sat. we went hiking, which was GREAT, but left me so tired, I could barely MOVE. Not even lying. So Sat. night we were supposed to go practice AND paint eggs with my family. I had boiled my eggs, and Andy bought me this special "14K Gold" egg dye. He was really proud of it, you know, that he thought of me and all. But Saturday night came, and after we were done with rehearsing (did I mention we learned all the songs for Easter THE NIGHT BEFORE?!) it was almost 10, and I had nothing left. I knew I had to iron Andy's shirt and get things ready at our house, and I said, "Listen, family. I'm really really really tired. I will not enjoy painting eggs today, and I can tell daddy is tired as well. We all have to get up in time for church at 7am, so can we wait until tomorrow to paint eggs?" And my sister threw a fit and "collapsed" into Tarans arms, and he was like, "shhh, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about her..." She's like, "I HAVE TO WORK ON EASTER! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!" blah blah blah.
So I left upset.
Sunday morning, I got 5.5 hours of sleep, and I was a cranky miserable mess all morning. My mom was like, "Oh, I was so disappointed with all that happened last night." Um, get over it. I had two services and I had to teach a class. We came home and collapsed. I didn't take anything off- hair, jewelry, makeup, I just collapsed. I woke up an hour later and started to cook. I left Andy sleep. Started to make the Kielbasa, and he came down (not upset, just disappointed) "You got the wrong thing." Ugh. So he was like, pouting. Fine, whatever. In the meantime, I managed to melt my cutting board with the lid of my dutch oven. We started arguing, I started feeling it come on. SO we distanced ourselves from each other, and we were fine til we got to mom and dads.
And then we got in the door.
April's friend Andrew was over (he's a house pest. He was over on Christmas morning too.) and he and my mom were painting eggs with MY EGGS AND DYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I lost it. All over the place. April came home, SHE lost it. Not as much as me. But Andrew just comes over whenever he feels like it (even when they're not at home. He'll just come in and sit. And mom refuses to tell him this is wrong.) Oh, and then she went to get Taran. Which set Andy off. And then we went to get my nanny, and she refused to come over. And so Andy just took me for a drive and we drove around. Mom was like, "What's wrong?" And I wouldn't look at her, and I didn't want to make a scene, and I was like, "Andy bought that egg dye especially for me. And we don't do anything as a family anymore and I'm angry and hormonal, and I just want to be left ALONE!" And THEN she wouldn't speak to me. She said that Andrew had been there for five hours, and she was running out of things to do with him. Um, so you used my stuff? That I asked really if we could please wait?
And THAT was the breakdown. We left at 9, and I was in bed by 10. Still shaking. I apologized to my husband, who was my rock. What a huge mess.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
You're making me dizzy...
Yesterday they were cleaning the floors with this new awful cleaner. I went outside for a while, to try to clear my head of this miserable odor (which "everyone" else declared was such an improvement over the old cleaner) and this headache started to come over me. I went outside many more times and I just couldn't shake this headache.
I tried eating lunch, I tried eating yucky peanut butter crackers (GAG!) and nothing worked. So they called me in to check my blood pressure, and of course everything was fine. I got a chance to hear the baby's heartbeat, so that is always a treat. She told me to go take two Tylenol and to rest. But I had to go back to work, of course. So I propped my feet up at my desk and was fine after a little while. She also suggested I was dehydrated.
The funny thing is, this morning it's all back again. This makes me think it's work related. Also extreme sleep loss related. Last night I woke up...but it really wasn't waking up. Not really. This happens to me every night recently. It's like I'm awake in a dream...my eyes are open, but I'm lucid. I hate it and I wish it would stop.
Oh, and I haven't gained any weight yet. Still 204. It was actually 203, until I shifted my weight, and then it was 204 again. I'm fairly pleased with this, however. Hoping if I continue to work out, I will be able to keep weight gain to a minimum, and only gain baby and boob weight. This weekend we're going to go hiking, so we'll see how that goes. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
I tried eating lunch, I tried eating yucky peanut butter crackers (GAG!) and nothing worked. So they called me in to check my blood pressure, and of course everything was fine. I got a chance to hear the baby's heartbeat, so that is always a treat. She told me to go take two Tylenol and to rest. But I had to go back to work, of course. So I propped my feet up at my desk and was fine after a little while. She also suggested I was dehydrated.
The funny thing is, this morning it's all back again. This makes me think it's work related. Also extreme sleep loss related. Last night I woke up...but it really wasn't waking up. Not really. This happens to me every night recently. It's like I'm awake in a dream...my eyes are open, but I'm lucid. I hate it and I wish it would stop.
Oh, and I haven't gained any weight yet. Still 204. It was actually 203, until I shifted my weight, and then it was 204 again. I'm fairly pleased with this, however. Hoping if I continue to work out, I will be able to keep weight gain to a minimum, and only gain baby and boob weight. This weekend we're going to go hiking, so we'll see how that goes. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The Honeymoon Trimester!
Second trimester means I can rest easier, but pray harder. The baby will be able to hear me soon, and hear his/her daddy too. Also it gets fingerprints. Which I guess is good if it gets in any trouble, and they need to book it. Because it doesn't have any teeth, so dental records are out of the question.
This month is the month for everyone to visit. This Sunday is Easter, which means the big Facebook and church reveal. Then Tom and Cathy will come for a while...and then as soon as they leave, Paul and Bri will be down for a few days. Basically wash the sheets, and on with the show.
I've been wanting to post people's reactions to the news of SB, but it seems the computer doesn't want to upload my videos. So I'll post some of the screen shots from the texting variety, and that will be a good memory.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I really DO like being pregnant...
Maybe I've painted a really poor picture of what I think of pregnancy, but now that I'm feeling better, it's not that bad anymore. In fact, I'm coming to really love and accept my growing belly. And I feel like I'm in some not-so-secret club, where we eat a lot and people open doors for us.
My friend keeps asking me to tell her all about pregnancy. Even the bad stuff. So I try and tell her what I can think of. Like how you tend to pee so much, wiping becomes frustrating. How you throw up so much, simple things like swallowing pills and brushing your teeth take official acts of congress to get through them. And how if you can make it through all the physical trials, the emotional stuff will begin to weigh on you. Will I lose it? Will I sneeze and it will just pop out? What if I'm a horrible mom? What if my parenting style doesn't match my husbands? What if my husband can't take my mood swings and up and leaves? What if I get depression after all of this? Am I being too much of a bitch? Will my husband still find me attractive after all this? Will my body ever be the same again?
One of the things I must stop doing is equating a growing belly with all the pounds I feel I'm packing on. In reality, I don't even look as pregnant as I think I do (probably because so much of my time is spent in large sweatshirts and heavy layers so people don't talk or think too much. I've been going to the gym, I've been walking, I haven't been pigging out, goodness knows. I'm just trying to avoid the mindset that I'm going to come out of this looking like a tank. I'm going to be fine. I haven't actually gained any weight, and I'm three months in...I'll be fine.
In other news, I ate 6 whole inches of sub last night. It was a record for me.
On Saturday, Lauren and I are going to go maternity shopping together. Now THIS I'm excited about! We're going to sport our bumps and waddle around like mother ducks. It's going to be fab!
I'm actually the happiest I've been in such a long time. For once my brain isn't focused on ME ME ME, it's focused on US. My FAMILY. Just can't wait to meet out baby :)
My friend keeps asking me to tell her all about pregnancy. Even the bad stuff. So I try and tell her what I can think of. Like how you tend to pee so much, wiping becomes frustrating. How you throw up so much, simple things like swallowing pills and brushing your teeth take official acts of congress to get through them. And how if you can make it through all the physical trials, the emotional stuff will begin to weigh on you. Will I lose it? Will I sneeze and it will just pop out? What if I'm a horrible mom? What if my parenting style doesn't match my husbands? What if my husband can't take my mood swings and up and leaves? What if I get depression after all of this? Am I being too much of a bitch? Will my husband still find me attractive after all this? Will my body ever be the same again?
One of the things I must stop doing is equating a growing belly with all the pounds I feel I'm packing on. In reality, I don't even look as pregnant as I think I do (probably because so much of my time is spent in large sweatshirts and heavy layers so people don't talk or think too much. I've been going to the gym, I've been walking, I haven't been pigging out, goodness knows. I'm just trying to avoid the mindset that I'm going to come out of this looking like a tank. I'm going to be fine. I haven't actually gained any weight, and I'm three months in...I'll be fine.
In other news, I ate 6 whole inches of sub last night. It was a record for me.
On Saturday, Lauren and I are going to go maternity shopping together. Now THIS I'm excited about! We're going to sport our bumps and waddle around like mother ducks. It's going to be fab!
I'm actually the happiest I've been in such a long time. For once my brain isn't focused on ME ME ME, it's focused on US. My FAMILY. Just can't wait to meet out baby :)
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