Oh man. I feel wonderful today.

I'm pretty sure women who are TTC are the only ones who ever utter that phrase.

My temp came down.

My waistline came down.

I'm no longer bloated.

My period is due this week so...if that comes, that will close the first chapter in this book.

It was a dark and stormy night...

Thursday wasn't an especially good day for me.  I was just feeling...off.  You know the feeling.  We went to Joyce and Rod Hershey's house for supper, and I was eating, and the whole time thinking---this isn't going to end well for me, is it?  We played board games afterwards and I went to the extreme of unbuttoning my pants, pulling down my shirt, and kneeling on the floor in front of the table, just so my stomach would stretch out and I could get some relief!  To no avail.

2:30 AM...puke.

2:45 AM...drive to Giant and get emetrol and a pregnancy test.  My darling husband opens one eye and says, "You're going now?"  It's raining pretty heavily, but it's fine.

(As an aside, I SWEAR the creepiest people work the overnight shift at Giant.  That is all.)

3:00 AM...no sleep.

4:00 AM...no sleep.

4:25 AM...ZZZzzzz.....

4:30 AM...alarm goes off.  Time for work.  Time to test.  I pee anxiously on the sticky thing and wait.  Meanwhile my brain is RUSHING but I'm trying not to let it. 

4:32 AM...not pregnant.  Negative.  It's fine!  Really!

So I leave the test out for Andy to see and get myself to work.  After about an hour, I'm driving back home again.  And then I proceeded to sleep for the entire day.

My handsome husband is not ready to admit that this month was not a win (he's not used to losing, and now it seems that the conception process is more of a "tournament" than anything.  May the best sperm win!)  HE thinks I could still be pregnant because I'm peeing more than normal.  Yes folks, he's counting how many times I spee.  What a special man to care for me that much :)  He's encouraging me to take another test. 

In closing, I'm considering this pose for our preggers pics.  Any thoughts?

A Trip Down Memory Lane

My mom gave me the baby books she had kept while pregnant and during my first few months of life.  Last night I started to read through them.  Seems that every time she would get up or move around, she would start to bleed and the doctor would send her back to bed.

For six months.

So there was so much depression involved in her pregnancy- so much waiting and wondering and praying and hoping.  So many lonely days of staring at the wall, waiting for my dad to come home.  Many of the entries have nothing written in them- what did she have to say?  I'm sure most of the days were the same as the last.

They noted that they were excited about receiving this new treatment called an "ultra sound."  Which my dad now describes as looking like 'coffee grounds they swirled around'- which now that I see them I see he's totally right.

But it's different than that, because it's one of the last pieces of my childhood that I've got.  So much of my stuff was gotten rid of after our house burnt, and then with the intense flooding last September I lost all my diaries, awards, keepsakes, papers, pictures...you name it.  So seeing these 'coffee ground' looking pictures of me as a little pea pod--well, it got me excited, that's all.

My mom had a 30 inch waist when she found out she was pregnant.  And she was like, seven feet tall.  No, like just a few inches shy of six feet.  So she carried my quite nicely.  (I can't imagine what I'm going to look like at 5 foot 4 inches...) 

Oh and get this- dad planted a sunflower in the window box that mom could see so she could watch it grow.  So sweet, right?  @---------->>

Last night we were snuggling in bed and Andy was holding me, inquiring of my belly if there was anything in it.  I assured him there wasn't.  No symptoms, no nothing.  And it was the first month after all!  And I inquired of him if he'd like to try again next month, since this month was so much fun :)  He just said, "Well, we don't know there isn't anything in there yet..."  He's a good man.

Lowered expectations

In all honesty, I'm more than a little sure that this month isn't going to be "the" month.  And I am such a chronic worrier that in my brain it's already September and I'm not even close to conceiving.  In my brain we've already given up and decided to adopt.  I honestly don't see how women do this for years on end.  I feel like I've wished my entire month away- checking and charting and secretly peeking at baby name websites.  Is this entire year going to go that fast?

And then the other night I had this mild panic attack- nothing major, just in my own head- because I was really nauseous and needed to go to the bathroom (I've been upping my fiber tremendously).  I started to have these AWFUL, intense pains- gas, bloating, etc.- and for the first time I was like, "NO.  Go back.  I don't want this any more.  I don't want this pain for a solid 12 hours or however long it takes me to get through labor.  I'm not strong enough.  Let's just adopt.  I can't do it, I can't handle this!"

And just that quickly the pain was gone.  And it was just me in the bathroom.  And reality set in.  And I realized that this is going to be the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life.  And then I started to panic again that maybe I WAS pregnant right then and that I wouldn't be able to get out of it at that point.

See what I said?  Full fledged panic attack.  Right there on the potty.  All over a little gas.  Surely I'm not to be trusted with a child.

But I understand that the cool thing about babies is that you grow WITH them.  And you really can't mess them up, if you love them enough.  In the end, I realized God's timing is best.  And my husband is a good man who will see me through the pain and love me all the same.  So maybe we'll give it another go next month.  Because I'm pretty sure this isn't it.

"Okay, I have a confession to make..."

So we're sitting at Boston Market this afternoon for a bite of lunch and Andy blurts out (avoiding direct eye contact):

okayIhaveaconfessionItoldJamieweweretrying.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm sorry?  What?"

Andy sighs, "I told Jamie Auker we were trying.  Because she's pregnant right now.  And.  And she said we could have all her baby clothing because she has two boys born in separate seasons and she said it's ours for the taking.  And plus she was REALLY pressuring me and I didn't know what to say so I finally just TOLD her."  He then took time to breathe.  "But I didn't tell Charity."

Clearly I did not know my husband could be bought!  But clearly he had Someday Baby's best interest in mind, so I can't fault him for that.  Plus he had that twinkle in his eye, and it showed me was possibly just a LITTLE excited.

But THEN I was like, "Woah.  Slow the Conception Caravan down just one gee golly moment.  The baby that's only a mere glimmer in your eye at this point is already male?!"

9 more days until Auntie Flow should be rolling into town.  I'm pretty sure the first game since removing the goalie has not resulted in a win, but we're still pretty early in the season.  Time will tell.

I Know Too Much.

I've never been this in tune with my body.

I take my temperature every morning.

I look at my cervical mucus to see what stage of ovulation I am in.  (See, I told you this was going to get gory)

Is that cramps?  No, just gas.

Did I get my period?  No, just discharge.

Are side stitches a sign of pregnancy?  (Google, google, google...)  No.

Do my breasts hurt?  (honks my own boob)  Well, ouch, when you keep grabbing them like that they do!

And on and on and on.  Every new bump, spot, ache, and smell, I'm on top of it.  And every once and a while I'll proclaim from the bathroom, "My cervix is hard!"  Or, "I'm ovulating!  Maybe we did something right!"

I try to refrain from calling Andy "daddy" or anything uncomfortable like that.  Sometimes I do refer to him as "Sperm Donor" just to break the ice and make an uncomfortable situation the least bit more bearable.  But on his behalf, I think he's willing to wait as long as it takes.  I also try not to have any pre-conceived ideas about what Someday Baby will be like.  It's premature, I know.

However it doesn't stop me from looking up maternity clothing and cribs on Pinterest :)

Ooh, my nose is running.  Does that mean pregnant?  Got to go google that.  ;)

Here are some pictures from our trip this weekend :