A Trip Down Memory Lane

My mom gave me the baby books she had kept while pregnant and during my first few months of life.  Last night I started to read through them.  Seems that every time she would get up or move around, she would start to bleed and the doctor would send her back to bed.

For six months.

So there was so much depression involved in her pregnancy- so much waiting and wondering and praying and hoping.  So many lonely days of staring at the wall, waiting for my dad to come home.  Many of the entries have nothing written in them- what did she have to say?  I'm sure most of the days were the same as the last.

They noted that they were excited about receiving this new treatment called an "ultra sound."  Which my dad now describes as looking like 'coffee grounds they swirled around'- which now that I see them I see he's totally right.

But it's different than that, because it's one of the last pieces of my childhood that I've got.  So much of my stuff was gotten rid of after our house burnt, and then with the intense flooding last September I lost all my diaries, awards, keepsakes, papers, pictures...you name it.  So seeing these 'coffee ground' looking pictures of me as a little pea pod--well, it got me excited, that's all.

My mom had a 30 inch waist when she found out she was pregnant.  And she was like, seven feet tall.  No, like just a few inches shy of six feet.  So she carried my quite nicely.  (I can't imagine what I'm going to look like at 5 foot 4 inches...) 

Oh and get this- dad planted a sunflower in the window box that mom could see so she could watch it grow.  So sweet, right?  @---------->>

Last night we were snuggling in bed and Andy was holding me, inquiring of my belly if there was anything in it.  I assured him there wasn't.  No symptoms, no nothing.  And it was the first month after all!  And I inquired of him if he'd like to try again next month, since this month was so much fun :)  He just said, "Well, we don't know there isn't anything in there yet..."  He's a good man.

Lowered expectations

In all honesty, I'm more than a little sure that this month isn't going to be "the" month.  And I am such a chronic worrier that in my brain it's already September and I'm not even close to conceiving.  In my brain we've already given up and decided to adopt.  I honestly don't see how women do this for years on end.  I feel like I've wished my entire month away- checking and charting and secretly peeking at baby name websites.  Is this entire year going to go that fast?

And then the other night I had this mild panic attack- nothing major, just in my own head- because I was really nauseous and needed to go to the bathroom (I've been upping my fiber tremendously).  I started to have these AWFUL, intense pains- gas, bloating, etc.- and for the first time I was like, "NO.  Go back.  I don't want this any more.  I don't want this pain for a solid 12 hours or however long it takes me to get through labor.  I'm not strong enough.  Let's just adopt.  I can't do it, I can't handle this!"

And just that quickly the pain was gone.  And it was just me in the bathroom.  And reality set in.  And I realized that this is going to be the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life.  And then I started to panic again that maybe I WAS pregnant right then and that I wouldn't be able to get out of it at that point.

See what I said?  Full fledged panic attack.  Right there on the potty.  All over a little gas.  Surely I'm not to be trusted with a child.

But I understand that the cool thing about babies is that you grow WITH them.  And you really can't mess them up, if you love them enough.  In the end, I realized God's timing is best.  And my husband is a good man who will see me through the pain and love me all the same.  So maybe we'll give it another go next month.  Because I'm pretty sure this isn't it.

"Okay, I have a confession to make..."

So we're sitting at Boston Market this afternoon for a bite of lunch and Andy blurts out (avoiding direct eye contact):

okayIhaveaconfessionItoldJamieweweretrying.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm sorry?  What?"

Andy sighs, "I told Jamie Auker we were trying.  Because she's pregnant right now.  And.  And she said we could have all her baby clothing because she has two boys born in separate seasons and she said it's ours for the taking.  And plus she was REALLY pressuring me and I didn't know what to say so I finally just TOLD her."  He then took time to breathe.  "But I didn't tell Charity."

Clearly I did not know my husband could be bought!  But clearly he had Someday Baby's best interest in mind, so I can't fault him for that.  Plus he had that twinkle in his eye, and it showed me was possibly just a LITTLE excited.

But THEN I was like, "Woah.  Slow the Conception Caravan down just one gee golly moment.  The baby that's only a mere glimmer in your eye at this point is already male?!"

9 more days until Auntie Flow should be rolling into town.  I'm pretty sure the first game since removing the goalie has not resulted in a win, but we're still pretty early in the season.  Time will tell.

I Know Too Much.

I've never been this in tune with my body.

I take my temperature every morning.

I look at my cervical mucus to see what stage of ovulation I am in.  (See, I told you this was going to get gory)

Is that cramps?  No, just gas.

Did I get my period?  No, just discharge.

Are side stitches a sign of pregnancy?  (Google, google, google...)  No.

Do my breasts hurt?  (honks my own boob)  Well, ouch, when you keep grabbing them like that they do!

And on and on and on.  Every new bump, spot, ache, and smell, I'm on top of it.  And every once and a while I'll proclaim from the bathroom, "My cervix is hard!"  Or, "I'm ovulating!  Maybe we did something right!"

I try to refrain from calling Andy "daddy" or anything uncomfortable like that.  Sometimes I do refer to him as "Sperm Donor" just to break the ice and make an uncomfortable situation the least bit more bearable.  But on his behalf, I think he's willing to wait as long as it takes.  I also try not to have any pre-conceived ideas about what Someday Baby will be like.  It's premature, I know.

However it doesn't stop me from looking up maternity clothing and cribs on Pinterest :)

Ooh, my nose is running.  Does that mean pregnant?  Got to go google that.  ;)

Here are some pictures from our trip this weekend :

Wishing and Hoping, Praying and Planning

One word to describe RI this weekend?

COLD.

When you come home to PA and it's 36 degrees and you contemplate taking off your jacket because you're "a little hot"...you know that you've just spent three days in a place where the average temp was 13 degrees all weekend.

The ride up was wonderful and uneventful.  We rented a Chevy Traverse, which I immediately came to love.  We all squished in, (luggage and gifts) my sister sitting like a good sport in what we came to refer to as "Aisle Three."  She watched DVD's on her laptop, Dad slept, Mom was enamored with all the sights to be seen in the dark as we drove...and drove...and drove.

After 6 hours, we arrived and went to stash our stuff in Andy's childhood room.  (Once a deep blue, now a striking orange.)  The first thing I noticed, since I clearly had one thing on my mind; the beds were two different heights!!!!  I believe I said something like, "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE A BABY LIKE THIS?"  To which I think Andy replied something about being "creative."  And we're not talking a little height difference.  We're talking cot on the floor vs. twin mattress and box springs.  We're talking the possibility of needing a grappling hook to get from one level to the next.

Meanwhile, my dad took us to a nice place for supper and my mom kept on inquiring if Andy was ordering the oysters.  (For those not familiar with the world of fertility boosting foods, oysters are high on the list for menfolk).  Sometimes the people in "The Circle of Trust" are not to be trusted ;)

We ended up at some point during the weekend watch home movies of Andy when he was a little tyke.  Cute does not even begin to describe him as a little boy.  Somehow it made this whole journey worthwhile, and perhaps the chance that this Someday Baby might be a boy a little less daunting.  Because I've read all of three books on parenting (and here and there a magazine article) I felt justified in blurting out, "Oh my goodness he's sleeping on his stomach as an infant!  Someone flip him!"  (As if I could turn back the hands of time 27 years and flip my infant husband safely to his back where he would be less likely to die from SIDS.  Which he apparently didn't, seeing as he was sitting to my right at the time of viewing.)  Hopefully my mother in law did not hear.

So we returned home and I begrudgingly drove the beloved SUV back to the airport to return it.  And all the while I was wishing there was a little sleeping infant in the backseat.  I was secretly hoping our combination was correct in the first month of trying.  Silently praying that our Someday Baby would be healthy and beautiful just like its daddy was in the movies.  And prematurely planning that someday I would be driving around an SUV just like that.

This post is rated PG-13.

So after attending the farm show last night, and putting it off as long as possible, we did "The Deed".  I even got dressed up, so it was a little less like a "task" and a little more like...well...an "activity."

I swear I was less nervous on our wedding night.

We were giggling like teenage girls all evening!  Like we have a secret the whole world doesn't know.  It's like an exclusive conception club, we've got going on.  Oh you should see the special handshake!  ;)

Maybe now is a good time to discuss the people who know about our little "project" this year? 
Aka: The Circle of Trust. 
If you're reading this post in the future and you do not see your name on this list, don't feel bad you didn't make the cut.  It's really in your best interest, because who wants to hear about ovulation, cervical mucus, and frequency anyway?  I wouldn't.

1) Me: For obvious reasons
2)Andy: You know, I debated telling him, but he was going to find out sooner or later. ;)
3) Mom: Who wouldn't tell her mom??  And I happen to have a mom who doesn't mind hearing about body fluids and bodily functions.  Win!
4) Krista Green: By default.  Her beautiful children dug into my purse while I was visiting and extruded a brightly colored bottle of prenatal vitamins and handed them to their mom exclaiming, "Mommy, what's this?!"  I don't make a habit of lying.  And Krista and I share no friends on Facebook.  So into the circle she came.

And that's all I have for today.  Because this is still cyberspace and someone may read this before I'm ready.  And because it's only rated PG-13.